I went to the cinema to see “Das perfekte Geheimnis”. It’s a pretty young audience, 65% female, I guess. Most of the giggling started when the gay man showed up. The story goes like this: three couples and a single man, the faggot, as he likes to call himself. Everyone puts their cell phone on the table at dinner and turns on the loud speaker if someone calls or otherwise communicates.
It’s a hot thing, because everyone cheats on their partner sexually. Seven secret sex stories, which in the end lead to two of the couples breaking up. With the one couple who becomes reconciled, he keeps a secret for himself, which only threatens to be revealed in the last scene, but he keeps it by throwing his cell phone into the river. One can assume that he now ends his secret porn addiction.
The other couple changes roles: she takes parental leave and he goes back to work. The third couple separates because he is having a child with another woman and has given earring to the hostess. The hostess is a psychotherapist and wants to have her breasts enlarged.She does not get along with her pubescent daughter and makes the most awkward impression of all persons involved.
The film is not unrealistic, but it will hardly find imitators, because most of them lack the courage to admit cheating on their partner. In most cases this would also be the end of the relationship.
With the KUBYmethod, this dilemma can be solved by writing a soul letter. The first thing you do is to confide your secret to your own well-guarded paper or electronic device, whereby it is crucial not to simply write down “I’m cheating” or “I have the feeling that my partner is cheating”, but to take a scene where exactly that happened which makes your life difficult happened and write it down in the present tense and verbatim as you would experience it in a movie, i.e. in script style. In other words, you don’t write down anything else than what you hear and see, and you always remain precise, without any texts outside the event.
If you have written this totally honest, detailed protocol or script (there are forms for this on clemenskuby.com), make a thick red line after the particularly explosive point where the deception, or secret, almost bursts, and from then on rewrite the script so that the conflict is resolved in the end for the benefit of everyone.
Finding this solution is oftentimes not easy, but much easier than in reality. I just have to be clear, on paper everything works. But it must not be a Hocus Pocus solution. The challenge is to engage in a realistic dialogue with the partner to whom you reveal your secret while writing. On paper, the irreconcilable points of view can collide. But from there, the conversation develops on paper in such a way that you and your partner become aware of what your real emotional needs are that have been lived out secretly.
This soul letter shows you the goal, how to end the conflict for the benefit of both of you so that there is no more secrets between you. This means either separation or forgiving and a new beginning, both are better than the current status quo. Once you have worked out this path from double life to liberation on paper, you can walk it in real life. It will certainly not be easy for you to put this clarifying conversation on paper, but in any case actually much easier than in reality.
The brilliant thing about the KUBYmethod is that you can correct the conversation and rewrite it as often as you like until you feel that this is how it can be done in reality. If you were to talk about the secret that stands between you in real life without written preparation, it could immediately go horribly wrong, as can be seen in the film.
Treat yourself to this experimental intermediate level with the KUBYmethod! This is what an architect does, he never executes his wish immediately, he always makes a plan first on which he can easily move walls until he has the feeling that the plan works, or he realises through the plan that his dream house will not come true. Either way, the secret, stressful double life is over. Practice this liberation on paper first!
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